Every so often, the internet (mostly X, formerly known as Twitter) comes into a heated debate. This usually consists of the most dramatically stupid this-or-that that riles the chronically online into propelling their uninformed takes into the cacophonous void that is the Internet of today. This week’s debate seems to be a battle of the death (per usual) between 100 normal, average, white-bread, bog-standard men vs. one capable gorilla.
If you are any self-respecting person with better things to do (it’s finals season after all), you’d best stop reading here. If you’re continuing to read this, you’ve obviously been captivated intensely by this horrifyingly stupid argument and are interested in reading further. This mistake is purely your own, and I respect the hell out of you for staying. But that’s enough talk. Let’s break it down.
I’ll analyze each perspective in a generally fair and (hopefully) rational understanding from my hastily found sources in order to get this out as fast as possible, because there is a very big chance that this will be irrelevant by next Thursday. So let’s figure this out. Who would win? Man? Or monkey? (They’re actually apes, but it sounds better.)
First up: Men. Due to varying factors, it’s very hard to determine the exact strength of a perfectly average man. Considering there are about 8 billion people on Earth, you’d have to average every single person. Unfortunately, I can’t do that. So, I’ll do the next best thing. I found two studies (yes, really) from the past five years that measure the strength of above-average, physically active men (so I’m being lenient to you, men-choosers). Considering the two studies, the average body mass of the men was 88.9 kg (about 196 lbs for us American idiots). For approximate strength, we’ll look at physical ability. From the considered studies, the men had an average one-rep-max bench press of about 115.9 kg (approximately 256 lbs) and an average one-rep-max squat of 162.3 kg (approx. 358 lbs).
Compare this to the gorilla, which is very hard to do, considering that there are no experiments regarding measuring the strength of the average gorilla, and if they were done, they would most likely be in breach of some sort of animal ethics law. What we do know (from my hasty research), the most common number is that gorillas are around four to ten times stronger than your average Joe, which, if you calculate the numbers (on the low end), would make a average male gorilla able to bench about 463.6 kg (approximately 1,022 lbs) and squat 649.2 kg (around 1,431 lbs). That said, an average gorilla would absolutely decimate your average Joe.
At this point, you may (annoyingly) say: Well, your comparison only factors in one man against one gorilla. How about 100 men against one gorilla? To that I say: Shut up, we’re getting there. To answer this profoundly idiotic query, we must confront that there is generally no way to measure how exactly this would go down. There is no simulation for these types of things, mainly because researchers actually do work, and don’t ask silly questions like these all day. But, if I had to make a bet, I’d bet on the ape.
With the sheer brutal force of the ape, by just flailing around, the ape could decimate at least 10 to 15 men easily, as those men have stupidly decided to approach the ape, thinking that they would survive the impact of the initial blows. However, they are foolish, and they died foolishly. The next, say, 45 men would then try to escape or hide after watching the gorilla cave in their companion’s ribcages. One would likely die from shock at seeing his companion’s ribcages get caved in. Many (say, 20 or so) would likely try to choke the ape, yet they are easily thrown off and dispatched. Depending on the environment, others may attempt to use the environment to their advantage, creating simple weapons. Still, they are rather ineffectual against the rough and calloused exterior of the gorilla. With that being said, a battle being fought on the gorilla’s home turf provides a significant advantage to the ape.
In terms of strength, and a rough estimate of how a battle could go, the ape has the men beat. Let the discussion end here.
Note for readers: I am not a scientist. Nor am I a zoology expert. I am a college student who is avoiding doing work for my finals. Please do not take my words as gospel. Feel free to disagree even if you’re wrong.
